Next...

WOW!!! I hate to be that person...but goodness!!!!.... I want a break for not just me but for my babies! So Grayson went to Houston where they did the test (Jeff said like 30 times) and it came back positive for Hirschprungs.  As emotional as it made me; I was happy that at least we have an answer....no matter what has to be endured by all; it is fixable.  Just as we thought it was confirmed, we were scheduled for a surgical biopsy at a civilian hospital where a pediatric pathologist was available.. Hirschprung's Disease is the absence of ganglion cells in a part of the bowel which the biopsy would test for. We were told it wold take 5-7 days to get the results; however the pathologist reviewed the biopsy and it was apparent Grayson had the disease. We have been diligently irrigating Grayson three times a day. You would think with all that he has been through that he would be a cranky and irritable baby...quite the opposite! He lays while I irrigate and just looks at me with his heart breaking blue eyes and smiles.

I write this now in the surgery waiting room, having just left my baby in the arms of a nurse in hopes that this will be it. There are no words to describe the helpless feeling when having to watch your baby go through the operating room coorridors. The surgery will take about 4 hours we were told. They brought him back at 8:30 and we were just notified at 10am that the surgery was just beginning. The hour hand can not move fast enough for this momma! Aside from the normal surgery risks; Grayson also runs the risk of having a colostomy if the colon looks unhealthy or not enough to reconnect. This is my fear. Knowing fear is not of God...I am unceasingly praying for this surgery to be successful and for him to be on his way to good health! We are at a civilian hospital downtown...what I would give to be back at BAMC where we have grown to know the staff and have even made close friends. However, I know we are at the place that is best equipped to serve Grayson and hopefully after his recovery time here...we are done with hospitals (one can hope!!!)!

Jeff also received Humanitarian orders to Hurlburt Field in Destin which is about 1 1/2 hours from home. To be honest, I can not find myself getting excited. All I want is for all of my children to be healthy and happy and problem free! I am certain once we are over today and I know Grayson is on his way to being better; I will gain excitement; as for now, there is just too much uncertainty.

On a lighter note...my little babies are not so little anymore!!!! They are now evolving into little boys....rolling over, cooing and babbling up a storm, trying to sit up and are just so fun! How fast eight months has gone by!!! As the kids were napping not too long ago; I sat and reminisced on all of the NICU pictures. Picture folders that are named Delivery, 28 weeks, etc...has become 8 month babies. It is hard to imagine my monsters being a mere 2 pounds! How far they have come; and how much I look forward to what is to come! It is moments I spend playing with my boys, hearing their sweet giggles and voice, and watching them interact with each other that remind me no matter the trials that come our way...I remain blessed times four!

Just another day hanging out at the house! Say Cheese!!!!

Out and about strolling around the neighborhood!





All of my boys' being Air Force proud!

Getting spoiled by Aunt Barbara who came down to help during the surgery.

Hanging out with Grandpapa while sporting the cute glasses one of their favorite NICU nurses, Kristie, got them in their Valentine goody bags!

2012...overrated

I sat and read my post about the upcoming new year...I just spoke too soon. Not that I am dooming my family to a horrible year or am I being pessimistic as to what is to come; but our new year just didn't go as planned. The day started out great! The boys got a bath, played, ate, napped like champs, and we took our daily outing to Wal Mart to pick up odds and ends...and to just get out. Grayson had been spitting up a mucus substance for a couple of days but we were just excited he wasn't projectile puking! It got progressively more in volume and come New Year's; the color had turned to a brownish. I wasn't concerned as he gets prune juice in the majority of his bottles in addition to the formula; so I assumed the color was from the juice. We went to dinner at a hole in the wall Mexican Restaurant nearby (literally a mile from base just in case the boys were fussy as Grayson had been all afternoon) and that is when the pukes got worse and the color darkened. It was like we were reliving the story of Brock. I called my pediatrician and she was also concerned about the color. I found myself in denial and even reassuring her that I was putting prune juice in his bottles and maybe that was the cause for the dark. It wasn't five minutes we were at home and he started spitting up bright red. I packed him up and took him to the ER once again. I found myself going back to that Sunday afternoon with Brock. Same white bib, same brown and red spit up, same hospital. I refused to have the same ending.

After a sleepless night and an additional 2 day stay; they presumed he had C.Diff and had made a tear in his esophagus from all o f the spitting up which caused the blood. Whatever it was, they were thorough in making sure what happened to Brock was not with Grayson. They even; put a rush on the biopsy to double check things. Longest wait ever. GI almost assured us that it was still just the milk allergy. What we did not want to hear happened. The biopsy showed that he had Hirschprungs. The pediatrician delivered the news after I paged for the results. Our GI doctor called and brought a glimmer of light to the situation. He said that the biopsy tests for Ganglion cells; those which might not have developed yet due to his prematurity. He said there was one other test that would bring definitive answers but was not done here in San Antonio. My response was that we would go where need be to be given a clear cut answer. Being a momma I wanted to be in two places at once....here with the other two boys and in Houston with my sick baby. It just made since for me to stay here with the other boys to keep routine and Jeff go with Grayson. I sat on pins and needles. Thanks to my wonderful neighbors for occupying my time with their company an d all of the food between the anxious me that I prepared and kind them. Jeff finally called me back to tell me the confirmation news of what we already knew from the biopsy but were hoping would be negative. He said they did the test tens of times and it ca;me back with the same result of him having Hirschprungs. My heart just sunk. I didn't want it for my baby or my family to endure. I now desperately seek the easy button.

I have become "that mom". I find myself being a bit paranoid. I was given the warning signs to look for to when he should go to the hospital...he must poo at least once a day, eat the same, and no fevers....what constitutes enough poo??? This has been so nerve wracking.

The surgeon called me this afternoon with some sort of game plan. She wants to redo the barium enema test to see what was really Hirschprungs and what was resolved from the formula change due to the milk allergy. We do this on Thursday. Keaton will also have a barium enema done as he to is struggling to go number 2...and well; I just can not take any chances with my three little boys.

As selfish as it sounds...Ido not want to have to endure any more surgeries with my babies....I do not want to see Grayson go away to surgery where I can not help him and make it better, I do not want him to hurt, and I do not want my other two to feel neglected throughout it all. I just do not want it. However; this is what we have to deal with ; so we will. In hopes that all of my boys will be well and healthy we will persevere; because we remain blessed times four.

Grayson all packed for his first road trip away from home.

Grayson being a big boy1

Everyone home and back together!

1st Christmas

I remember sitting in the NICU and holding each of the boys...all I could do is dream of when I had them home and think about all of the firsts...1st Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. It is hard to think that the dream became true. The one thing missing this first Christmas was my Brock. I found myself wrapped ;up in a load of emotions these past few weeks. I think I heard the song by The Band Perry "When I Die Young" (what played at Brock's services) more this week than ever before.As the boys grow, I also see Brock more in them. And as always when we are out and about people stop to stare at, "the triplets" which they are not and will never be. As much as my emotions were flailing about...I loved and appreciated the boys' first Christmas. I dressed them in "My First Christmas pj's on Christmas Eve". We spent the day playing with Christmas cartoons on Nick Jr playing in the background. I made a quick trip to the Commissary to buy makings for Christmas dinner...grilled steaks and sweet potatoes and Jeff and I exchanged gifts. Christmas Eve was ended by a visit from one of our favorite NICU nurses, Kristie. I had planned on washing their Christmas pj's so they would be able to wear them on Christmas as well...but thanks to Kristie I didn't have to! She got them the cutest little reindeer feet sleepers, a fitting picture frame, and brought an ornament with each of the four boys names on it from all of our favorite NICU nurses. It was a great visit!

Christmas Day the boys were in rare form. They are use to napping from 10:30-2:30 ish. They didn't sleep a wink. Well...maybe a total of five winks; the other 4 hours was spent fussing. The day was made up for when we went over to Kristie's house to have Christmas dinner...a perfect end to a fussy day.

The next week was filled with testing for Grayson. We had the sweat test to see if he had CF (came back negative) and he also had the biopsy. I do not know if that was worse for him or for the momma; it was just terrible but completely necessary. We will find out the results in about two weeks; as much as I hate waiting; I am praying that all will be ok....it just has to be.

The boys and I have got the pleasure of having Jeff at home throughout the holiday weeks. We are now accustomed to taking a field trip everyday after naptime. I love it and so does the boys!!! Once Jeff is back at work I am going to make an effort to keep up the outings as it is good for us all to get out of the house! Let me just say; we got all kinds of crazy for New Years....NOT!!! HAHA! Life with three little boys is never ending; so we stuck to our normal schedule; I wouldn't have it any other way! We have been attempting to get the boys to sleep through the night...New Years Eve was a success!!! Keaton got fussy around five but no one got out of the crib until 7:20....This made New Years!

I do hope this is a start to a great year! Not that 2011 was a bust; it was just overwhelming. From the quad pregnancy to the 16 week NICU stay to the passing of my sweet baby Brock; it has been a year. Here is to hoping that 2012 is filled with positives! Ringing in the New Year being blessed times 4!

Easy Button?

Whenever it comes to poo...lack there of, dark, etc. I get concerned...with good reason having been through all we did with Brock. Camden has always been a true poo champion as he is on the Nutramigen (partially digested not milk formula). Grayson and Keaton on Neosure which is milk based and neither poo regularly....they are once a weekers at most. We have been assured that this is just their norm and since they have self induced poos to begin with; they were fine.

So Grayson began getting really dark stools about a month and a half ago. I took him in and they tested for blood; all came back well. His pooing or lack their of became increasingly worse. He became much more fussy as he was trying to get "it" out. A couple of weeks ago while I was feeding them lunch he began to scream unconsoleably. I checked to see if he had a dirty diaper and saw that his rectum appeared to be inside out. I freaked out. After finally finding someone to watch the other two; I rushed him to the ER. He was diagnosed with having a rectal prolapse which they pushed in what had not gone in on its own and also did a physical exam... paranoid me wanted to make sure all else was well. They told us to keep his stool soft by giving him prune juice or karo syrup in his bottles which I did at the next feed.

It wasnt but days later that Grayson continued having little hard stools and would scream as if he were in pain. I decided to take him into the after hours clinic where the on call Dr gave him two enimas along with an hour of rectal stimulation. In my opinion what came out was no where compared what was put in. He did however seem a little bit relieved. We followed up with our pediatrician four days later. She recommended we get a sweat test to see if he had cystic fibrosis as rectal prolapse is a warning sing of the disease in babies. The day befroe the Dr we saw in urgent care called to see if we anted a referral to a GI dr. I told the Dr that night all about Brock and wanted him to know my concerns. He felt that a trip to GI was necesary.

I took him to see GI where we began the apt with the story of Brock. He was already familiar as he reviewed the mistreatment of Brock's case. He also gave me answers I have wanted this entire time; but wouldnt seek the answers. He did not believe Brock had Hirschprungs Disease. he thought that Brock developed NEC while in the NICU (which he had a couple of work ups for; but always came back as to being fine so feeds began again and meds were ended). So a piece of intestine esentially died off causing an obstruction. He never pooed which ended up with him having colitis...and that and sepsis is all she wrote.

So...he was well aware my concern. After hearing Grayson's story and examining his rectum....he concluded he was full of poo and could still feel the prolapse. He as well...had no concern of a blockage or Hirschprungs Disease as he was able to feel and get out some poo. He insisted we stop the mirilax as he did not like children under 1 to use it and said to use 100% juice such as apple and prune. Since we were already at the hospital he sent us for an Xray and also felt that Grayson needed the sweat test for cystic fibrosis which he was able to schedule. I asked if it was needed that Grayson have the barium dye enima (the same as Brock had which showed some sort of block or possible Hirschprungs Disease). He felt that it truly was not needed but if it would make me sleep better and give him complete reassurance...than why not.

I took him to get the xray (which showed a ton of backed up poo) and called to get the barium dye study scheduled. We switched Grayson's formula whcih the GI Dr recommended and he instantly began to poo. This almost made me not want to put him throught the enima study. We took him anyway. I could not bare to take another son to a place that I took Brock just 2 days before he died...it was overwhelming. So while Jeff toook Grayson to what we believed to be a now pointless apt. I took the other two for a walk. While walking back home, I called Jeff to what I thought he would say was all ok. Not so much. Grayson's test looked as Brock's did, there was a narrowing and then a build up of poo. i frantically called my pediatrician to see what we should do. She had already contacted GI and the surgeon. An urgent surgeon consult was put in and they now have three days to call and schedule a biopsy. It is either Hirschprungs disease or the milk allergy which caused the severe block. All I can think of is how I can not lose another baby. She assured me we are not close to how bad Brock got. Brock developed colitis from never going poo. I was told to make sure he has at least a stool a day, not run a fever, and continues to eat. If any of this changes; we go straight to the hospital.

It is hard not to think about the worst or relate the situation to that of Brock's. However; I know I am not in control and HE is. God please be with my baby and keep him safe from harms way. How blessed I am for faith and for a precious little fighter. This is the boy who lived his first month on a respirator, who we were told would come back from hernia surgery on a vent, and who was suspected to not come home until way after the other boys. All he defied....

A Day In the Life

5:30am- Momma wake up time. This is my time to brush my teeth and go to the gym; my one time a day just for me (no time to do hair or get dressed so I sleep in my gym clothes;)

6:45- Home and Chores. Before babies wake up I like to have things "armed and ready". Formula jugs are mixed and 8 am bottles are prepared with meds and formula. I vacuum the carpets, sweep the floors, and spruce up the downstairs. I also put on a load of laundry.

7am- Jeff comes downstairs to eat breakfast and unload the dishwasher (thankful for this as I despise this chore!!).

7:30- Jeff is off to work. Babies wake up. I go and get each baby, change them, and give him a bottle. Once all three are feeding in their boppy's...Isit to eat a piece of fruit, chug coffee and troubleshoot (fix bottles, burp babies, etc)

8- Take babies upstairs to swing or bounce while I get a quick shower.

8:30- Baby bath time. Each boy is scrubbed up, dressed and enjoys tummy time while his brothers get clean.

9:15- Momma loving. This is when I give each baby their own time while the others are tummy timin. Basically, I act like a complete dork to make them smile and I give and get lots of hugs and kisses.

10:15- Prepare bottles with meds and formula. Bring each baby downstairs, change diaper, put in boppy to feed. I once again sit with the boys and troubleshoot.

10:45- Momma's favorite time of day...NAP TIME!!! Babies sleep together in a pack n play in the living room (The kids have a section of the living room where we live during the day equipped with toys, play pin, changing table,, etc).

11- I make lunch for Jeff and myself. Jeff comes home for 20 or so minutes to eat and I enjoy the adult conversation!

11:30-2- Laundry, bottle washing, house cleaning, measure formula in the next day's jug and make "night time" bottles.

2:30- Prepare bottles with meds and formula. Babies wake up for a diaper change and get fed...I once again trouble shoot.

3- Playtime & Story time! I read them a story as they sit in their bumbos (as long as they will until getting fussy then they go in the boppy) as I read them a story (I try to keep it season related so lately it has been the Gingerbread Boy, etc!!)  Boys rotate through jumpers, exersaucers, floor gym...whatever makes them content and happy! I usually rotate through with the boys so everyone gets some more mommy time!

4- Bring babies in the dining room in front of the window to bounce or swing while I do laundry and cook dinner.

4:45- Prepare bottles with formula and meds. Change babies and feed them. Yet again; I trouble shoot. Jeff usually comes home during this feeding.

5- Babies have tummy time or play under the floor gym while we attempt to eat dinner.

5:30-6:45- Entertain!! Jeff and I lay on the floor with the boys while Nick Jr plays in the background. We sing, dance, and act like fools to get some giggles, smiles, and loving from the boys... and to keep them awake!
6:45- Prepare bottles with formula and meds and mix up some oatmeal (learning to spoon feed). Change babies and put in their pajamas and feed them. AHHHH....almost there.

7:30- Swaddle babies, sing them our goodnight song, put to bed!! They sleep horizontally in one crib while listening to 101.9 the Q:) As I walk the swaddled baby boy up the stairs...I say a little prayer that each goes down calmly...no fights!

7:30- Wash bottles, clean up the kitchen, put a load of laundry on while putting up all of the folded laundry, straiten up the living room.

8:30- Sit!!! I say sit...this is also laundry time, make sure I have everything in line for the next day...a mom's day with multiples is never done!!!! As chaotic, frustrating, never ending a day can be...I look forward to waking up each new morning as I am blessed times 4!

Camden tuckered out

Happy Keaton

Keaton's first bite of pears!

Camden's first bite of pears!

Grayson's first bite of pears!

<3

Grayson and Camden

Camden and Keaton

Six Months

How my babies are 6 months I just do not know. It is hard to believe that six months ago my fighting 2 pound baby boys came into the world. What once was a frail and tiny little baby, is now a smiling, cooing and rolling over growing baby boy! I get the privilege every morning to go and get three precious little smiling babies to start the day with. It is the hardest job I have ever had...there are no breaks being a mom to multiples. Lunch is taken during nap while folding laundry, preparing the next days bottles, changing out crib sheets....it just doesn't end. But I love it that way. All of the zombie days full of repetition are worth every moment I get to spend with my boys. They are growing to be so much fun! They coo, they smile, they giggle, they roll over...the only way things could be better would be if Brock was here to embark on these memories with us. When I find myself sulking on my loss; I have to remind myself of the angel God has given to my family to watch over us and protect.

The first year of a baby's life is full of firsts. We have continued our firsts as the boys celebrated their first Thanksgiving. They were decked out in the onesie and my first thanksgiving bib. As momma made the turkey, they enjoyed football watching and bouncing chair fun! We spent the day and eating dinner with our wonderful neighbors! The boys got to taste a bit of the Thanksgiving festivities by licking some of Mrs. Jill's delicious banana pudding! I couldn't be more thankful than for the neighbors we are grateful for and have come to love!

Not having Brock here for the Holidays is hard. I was not certain when I went stocking shopping for the boys if I should get him one or not. As I settled on three stockings that I didn't even love, ( just bought because they coordinated with Jeff and my stockings) Kelsie made things right. She got each of my baby boys (of course Brock included) a stocking with their initial on it. Now my home is complete for Christmas....each of my sweet boys has a stocking going up the stair case in birth order. This is just the way it should be. A first Christmas would not be complete without a visit to Santa. We dressed the boys in festive gear (yes it was matching; and a time it was to keep all clean until the picture was taken) and headed to Bass Pro to get a picture with Santa. Santa looked a little weary as the parents of three little boys were walking up to him. He was a trooper though as he took all three. We got the Santa picture....even though it wasn't picture perfect! Camden was just not happy with Santa (although; I do not think Santa was too pleased with him either!!)!

It has become tradition for Jeff and I to take and send out Christmas picture cards. If ever there were a more memorable card year; it was this one, 2011. I found the cutest little reindeer hats for the boys and of course I had to go in search for antlers for Jeff and I to match. Needless to say Jeff was less than happy to have our Christmas card full of antlers....but it was just too cute!Being that Jeff and I do not do surprises well to begin with; we found all excuses as to giving the boys their Christmas gifts as they were purchased! We wanted them each to have some sort of jumper, saucer, etc. Although they are ready for the new and fun the activity centers we bought for them....they are just too small. We pile on the blankets to keep them supported; but are quickly brought to the realization that they are "really" only three months old...not the six that we sing for.

This Wednesday also is the first birthday Jeff will spend as a daddy. Once upon a time I would plan a party that would go into the early morning hours. Now, we will celebrate it with our neighborhood circle with cake and ice cream, followed by our nightly routine with the boys. We wouldn't have it any other way.

Tis the season to be merry and bright. Although I find myself yearning for my sweet Brock to be here on earth...I know he is in a far better place that is always merry and bright. I look forward to all of the firsts that have happened and are to come....even if it is just with three. I know that I am momma to 4 and that my Brock is an angel to our family. I continue to be blessed times four!

5 Months

It is hard to think that my babies are five months old. Some days when I find the time (very few and far between) I will read previous posts. To think that around this time last year we were beginning another IUI cycle that would ultimately end up with the boys is just crazy! To think that my little guys are now 5 months old is even more crazy!

It took a few weeks of us being back from burying Brock to get the boys onto a new normal schedule. They knew something was not right and it showed. They didn't eat well, didn't sleep well, and were just not the same. Although I am now also completely down with the new routine...I am just not completely accepting of the fact that I have a new schedule which revolves around three and not four. I do not suppose I ever will be. We were not ready to get rid of Brock's and Keaton's room nor Brock's crib and things so we just did a little rearranging. I could not let Keaton sleep by himself as he no longer had his bed buddy; so I moved all three of the boys into the same crib. They instantly began sleeping better. Even though for now they share one crib, I went ahead and moved keaton's crib into his brothers' room along with his dresser and things. We made Keaton and Brock's room the new playroom still leaving Brock's crib with an outfit of his and a story book inside. I figure once the kiddos are old enough to utilize the playroom; the crib will come in handy for the sleepy, ill, or fussy baby who needs to be put down. The old playroom was made into another guest bedroom as we seemed to keep company lately.

I am constantly reminded of my sweet boy every time I look at his brothers, hear the band perry's song that played at his service on the radio, or every time we bring the boys out and people address the kids as triplets...my heart just breaks. I don't expect people to know the situation and to read our minds as to what happened and to just know that the boys are quads and not triplets...but it is one of the hardest things to hear. Some days I correct and say no they were actually quads, some days I just say yes here are three babies, some days I even find myself ignoring the attention with a smile and a quick walk away. I can not accept the term triplets; but hope and pray that at some point the hurt related to that statement will subside.

When we were pregnant with the quads we applied for but was denied the Humanitarian...this would allow us to move to a base near home so we had support and help with the boys. When we came back from Florida, Jeff's command recommended us apply again as now we qualify. It is upsetting to know the same order we were once denied,, we are now eligible for and with one boy less. It is ironic to me how that works, however; I also know what is in God's plan as to where we should be...we will be. We should know within the month whether we will be moving back home or close to it at a nearby base. I would honestly be content either way as I have thoroughly accepted that I have no control...He has it all and is far better at managing it.

The boys' celebrated their first Halloween this year as super heroes! Grayson was Batman, Camden was his sidekick Robin and Keaton was Captain America...if he were here Brock would have been Superman; instead his cape and hat is a keepsake in my hope chest. I have to admit...they were the cutest super heroes I have ever seen!!!!

On another note...I ordered a choo choo wagon so it would make me taking the boys out on my own more doable. I just LOVE IT!!! They each have their own "train car" in which for now I place a bobby inside so they are able to sit up. It is just too stinkin cute!!! It allows us to go on walks or chug on down to the commissary or bx for an escape out of the house.

It is fun to see the boys grow and develop. What use to be babies who eat and sleep all day are now evolving into little boys who love to smile and interact. They are just fun!!! It makes for a longer and harder day on me as they actually require attention as they don't sleep all day...but I love every exhausting minute of my day!  What a month this has been; I thank God on a daily (sometimes multi-daily) basis for my sweet family, faith, and supportive friends...how blessed times four I remain!

The boys with a few of their favorite  Nicu nurses at the pumkin patch (Kayce is behind the camera!!!:)

Introducing...Batman, Robin, and Capt America!

Daddy and the boys after an afternoon of shopping

Choo Choo time!

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