Sunday, October 7, 2012

Brock's First Angelversary

I do not think I was any more prepared to deal with one year passing by than I was with Brock passing; things just do not get easier and the emotions do not go away. I have had a rough time lately with dealing with emotions and find myself going back to the days leading up to Brock dying and to the night I watched him fight as hard as he could so helpless holding on to all hopes and faith that he would make it; and so devastated and heart broken when he did not. I could not have made it through my sweet Brock dying and Grayson being diagnosed with the same disease, etc...if not for my family and friends who might as well be family.

I love being close to home so my boys can spend a few years growing up near family, but I have missed San Antonio like no other this past week. As much as I looked forward to Jeff getting the humanitarian orders back near home.....I would give anything to be back to what feels like home. I miss my sweet neighbors who loved my boys like no other and who made a long day worth it by sitting in the circle and unwinding with great company and maybe a good drink! I miss them popping in and making an exhausting day worth it. I miss my NICU nurses who became my best friends and apart of my family whether they wanted to or not (just saying....spend hours upon end in the NICU and have an excellent happens!)!Some of my most memorable moments with the quads were made because of the nurses who cared for them and loved them and as I said, who became my dear friends and apart of my family. I miss them. I miss what became "home". Here just does not feel like home yet. It just is not the same without my "family", which makes this past week even harder to face.

Jeff and I knew the date was coming up and just ignored all conversations relating to it and just had a mental understanding that we were going to go home. He took Thursday and Friday off where we had planned to go back to Panama City for the weekend. Thursday came and we were just overwhelmed. Neither of us wanted to pack the kids (3 15 month olds require a lot of stuff for a few nights away from home) or deal with a van ride or really, deal with anything. So we stayed.  We decided that we would release balloons for our Brock on Friday. After an eventful trip to Wal Mart to get our dozen blue balloons, we went to the beach to release them with Brock's brothers. No words can describe the feeling of sending my sweet angel balloons....  As I watched them float to the heavens, my heart just broke. I looked at Grayson, Keaton & Camden and yearned for Brock to be at the beach with us and on a happy note.

Jeff and I were both on an emotional edge and just not in the best of spirits. Once the boys laid down for a nap, I went to the Commissary and Jeff stayed behind. I was texting with my sweet neighbor, Jill, from San Antonio when she called. She got Jeff and I on the phone together and told us that there were tons of people gathered: NICU nurses, neighbors, children.....all to release balloons for our Sweet Brock.  We were both overwhelmed. A day of raging emotions and sadness had turned into a day of celebration. Although Brock was just four months old when he became an angel, he made an impact on so many lives. His first Angelversary as my dear friend Cynthia calls it....was one I will never forget thanks to those I consider my family; you all outdid yourselves!!!!!!!!!!

As if hearing the excitement from Lackland AFB was not enough, looking at the precious pictures of all of the people and balloons being sent for my Brock, was just amazing. Although I miss my sweet boy so much, knowing the impact he has made on mine and so many others lives, I know I am and will always be blessed times four.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

As Time Goes By...

It has been a little while since I have made a post & vow to start updating more frequently! So much has gone the past few months! My babies are no longer babies, they are toddlers! Well...Keaton and Camden are; Grayson like always, is doing things on his own timing. They are just so much fun! The joy I get from watching them laugh and play each day is overwhelming. The boys and I made it through Jeff's first TDY since having the quads...and I am proud to say that we survived! I was one tired and worn out Momma; but the since of accomplishment knowing that we made it through 2 weeks by ourselves is a good feeling. However, it was an even better feeling to get to pick Jeff up from the airport a week early thanks to the hurricane that ended up not hitting us! It was a complete win situation; well, maybe not for Jeff as he did not receive credit for the course he was taking which I do hate....but AHHHHH, to have him home and to no longer be "a single parent" made my happy!

The boys became so big that they started an Enrichment program 2 days a week for two hours. They have not quite made it the full two hours but they are doing so much better and really seem to enjoy it! Having them in a "school setting" where they are able to participate in circle time and get to associate with other kids makes the teacher in me elated! Although more than not, they are always right by each other when I pick them up....but still! I love that I have fridge art to hang and love even more the picture messages I get from their sweet teachers of the boys having fun at school!

The boys are still going to PT & OT every week and we added Speech to the list as well for all three. They have a severe feeding issue & are still behind with their speech & language development that their Speech therapist & we are working hard to make better! They will get there!

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of my sweet Brock and the events that led up to the day that I watched him go to heaven. It is no more easier today than it was nearly a year ago. When I watch the boys play ball up and down the hallway, I wish I were seeing my sweet Brock get to have fun with his brothers too. I wonder what his little personality would be like, which brother he would look most like; my heart just yearns for him. I feel this past year I have not really got the time to grieve and let out all of my emotions and heart ache and as October 5th nears; my sadness is leaking out. I am finding it hard to suppress my heart ache like I have forced myself to do all this time. What seriously gets me through each day, is knowing that because of all that happened to Brock, I still have my Grayson here today, alive and well. And how blessed I am to have Keaton, Camden, & Grayson here to be reminded of my him each time I look into their smiling faces. These boys are my world and I am so honored that God allowed me to be their Momma here on earth. A year ago, today, tomorrow, and years to come, I am blessed times four.

The boys first day of "school"!

On our way to church at Nana & Grandpa's house