Saturday, August 6, 2011

Week 35

TDY...As much as Jeff has gone out of town for a TDY I should be use to hearing the words and should always expect one to arise. I don't know why I thought us having quads would just erase him from every TDY or deployment...but as I found out this week, it definitely does not. I understand that being in the military a family comes to expect and accept the fact that their spouse is going to leave; it comes along with the job description. When he told me that he was going to Ft Walton Beach for a week I found myself a bit perturbed. If his work truly understood what it was like to have four babies in the NICU and the constant feeling of the unknown...someone else would have gone in Jeff's place. However; it is what it is when it comes down to it so a week we did without Jeffrey. Every other time Jeff has left I was sad for myself...I was going to be alone and woa as me. This time I was not sad for myself; but for my husband and little boys. I can not begin to imagine the toll it would take on Jeff missing out on holding the boys, being there to see all of the cute things, witnessing their little milestones like big boy baths and sucking down bottles. It also got my wheels turning about what it is going to be like when he is gone on deployment or on longer than a week TDYs...I can only imagine of the hardship on all family members and can only hope that the inevitable does not happen anytime soon. Being a mom, I have a greater since of gratitude and respect for the mothers and spouses who have, had, and will endure deployments.

I know my boys are not home yet and can not begin to conceive how much harder it will be when they are home; but it has been a rough week being by myself. I can not explain how exhausting it is to still lead a life (errands, groceries, laundry, appointments) and juggle going to the hospital as well. I would not change it for the world (well; other than the fact to have them at home) but it just makes for a long and hard day. I like to get to the hospital by their mid morning feed at 11 and I usually stay till around four to come home and do their laundry before going back at 8. I hate that I am missing out on any of their day, but I do my best. It kills me to walk in and see a nurse bottling my baby, changing their diapers, or holding them...I want to be able to do these things; it is my job as a mommy. I try and not let it get to me and to remind myself that this too shall pass and then I will have my fill of doing all of these things I am sure; but it is difficult to keep an upbeat attitude all of the time.

The week started out just amazing! Time is not going by any slower and the day that we are finally able to bring home the boys is coming sooner rather than later. That being is vital that we get moved in and settled into a bigger home. Just when we thought it would never come...Jeff called and told me that a five bedroom house opened up...YAY!!! FINALLY I can begin to REALLY nest and prepare to bring home the boys!!! I do not look forward to having to pack and move by ourselves and still find the time to spend with the boys...but like everything else; it will work out some how. We move in the 19th of August which should give us ample time to be unpacked and settled prior to a baby coming home.

Everyone but Brock has a hernia that must have surgery to remove and originally all of the surgeries were scheduled for the 19th. Not exactly perfect timing since we were also suppose to move into the new house on that day. But moving was not the main issue. The NICU the boys are in now will be moving to the Army hospital on the 29th which is fairly close to the surgery day. We have been fair warned that Grayson due to his severe lung disease would end up back on a ventilator. I am weary about doing the surgery so close to the move day since the boys would have to be transported to the new hospital. Luckily; the NICU staff also took this into new consideration so the surgeries will occur this Friday. Hopefully this will allow the boys to get over any setbacks that do happen (if any). I hate to worry about things that have not even happened; however, I just do not think I can handle seeing my baby boy back on a ventilator and having him regress after everything he has been through. I will stay positive and keep faith that the unforeseen will not happen that way; but is easier said than done.

Overall the boys had a good week. Other than tweaking the volume of their feeds, a few oxygen changes, was quiet. Although I missed Jeff not being home and able to come and see the boys; it did allow for me to get lots of loving with the boys since I was the only one doing the holding and feedings (usually we are only allowed to hold each boy once a day; however, they are becoming more lenient as they are bottling more). Days spent at the hospital fly by when you have 4 boys to love on, feed, bathe....:) I was looking forward to Jeff coming home and getting to see the boys; I wondered if they would look bigger to him. I do believe I was more anxious than any of them!!! How sweet it was to see Daddy get a good look at each stinky boy and get to feed and hold some of them; it makes me absolute melt to see him interact with his little men! And it was no shocker that Jeff thought the boys had grown!

Our quite week got a little noisy during our night visit on Friday. Just as I sat down to bottle keaton and Jeff sat down to bottle Camden...Camden had a 22 residual. This was huge; more than half of his feed. UGHHHH...tears automatically streamed down my cheeks...please not again! The doctor came out to tell me what would be done (I could practically tell him as we have gone through this with Camden every week for the past month). His feeds would stop, films taken, labs drawn, IV started....and the work up list goes on. His assement showed his bowel was distended and the film came back looking not so good either. The word that I dread hearing was said...NEC. He had showed enough signs that NEC was now a concern although it will take a few days of more tests, observing, etc to know. He will not be fed and antibiotics were started and will be given until a more conclusive result comes back. BAM!!! and it hits again. This is the roller coaster we live on a daily basis; a quiet week can become chaotic in a second. As frequently as this has happened with Camden, I couldn't help but to question if there is a cause that is going unlooked. i am not a doctor by any means; but I know my kids and see enough to know that a weekly recurring problem might have an underlying cause that they are not seeing. Camden has the biggest hernia and is hard to push back. Could the hernia be the cause to all of this...I had asked the question before and was brushed off but this time I would not allow them to overlook my concern. After talking to the doctor, there is a possibility that all of these weekly issues is due to the hernia; and if it is, surgery on Friday will fix it. Although I do not want any problem with any boy; I would rather they find a definite cause to why Camden has the weekly events; and if it is the hernia that is the cause...let it be since this is completely fixable!!!

I could sit and worry about what is to come; or I can give thanks for all we have been given...My family is blessed no matter what hiccups comes our way!!! And we are not just blessed; we are blessed times 4!

Keaton in his monkeys
Baseball Brock
Roarin Brock
Handsome little Grayson
Grayson questioning bath time
Cam in his monkeys!!
Camden pooped out after being poked
Dad feeding Brock

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