Sunday, October 7, 2012

Brock's First Angelversary

I do not think I was any more prepared to deal with one year passing by than I was with Brock passing; things just do not get easier and the emotions do not go away. I have had a rough time lately with dealing with emotions and find myself going back to the days leading up to Brock dying and to the night I watched him fight as hard as he could so helpless holding on to all hopes and faith that he would make it; and so devastated and heart broken when he did not. I could not have made it through my sweet Brock dying and Grayson being diagnosed with the same disease, etc...if not for my family and friends who might as well be family.

I love being close to home so my boys can spend a few years growing up near family, but I have missed San Antonio like no other this past week. As much as I looked forward to Jeff getting the humanitarian orders back near home.....I would give anything to be back to what feels like home. I miss my sweet neighbors who loved my boys like no other and who made a long day worth it by sitting in the circle and unwinding with great company and maybe a good drink! I miss them popping in and making an exhausting day worth it. I miss my NICU nurses who became my best friends and apart of my family whether they wanted to or not (just saying....spend hours upon end in the NICU and have an excellent happens!)!Some of my most memorable moments with the quads were made because of the nurses who cared for them and loved them and as I said, who became my dear friends and apart of my family. I miss them. I miss what became "home". Here just does not feel like home yet. It just is not the same without my "family", which makes this past week even harder to face.

Jeff and I knew the date was coming up and just ignored all conversations relating to it and just had a mental understanding that we were going to go home. He took Thursday and Friday off where we had planned to go back to Panama City for the weekend. Thursday came and we were just overwhelmed. Neither of us wanted to pack the kids (3 15 month olds require a lot of stuff for a few nights away from home) or deal with a van ride or really, deal with anything. So we stayed.  We decided that we would release balloons for our Brock on Friday. After an eventful trip to Wal Mart to get our dozen blue balloons, we went to the beach to release them with Brock's brothers. No words can describe the feeling of sending my sweet angel balloons....  As I watched them float to the heavens, my heart just broke. I looked at Grayson, Keaton & Camden and yearned for Brock to be at the beach with us and on a happy note.

Jeff and I were both on an emotional edge and just not in the best of spirits. Once the boys laid down for a nap, I went to the Commissary and Jeff stayed behind. I was texting with my sweet neighbor, Jill, from San Antonio when she called. She got Jeff and I on the phone together and told us that there were tons of people gathered: NICU nurses, neighbors, children.....all to release balloons for our Sweet Brock.  We were both overwhelmed. A day of raging emotions and sadness had turned into a day of celebration. Although Brock was just four months old when he became an angel, he made an impact on so many lives. His first Angelversary as my dear friend Cynthia calls it....was one I will never forget thanks to those I consider my family; you all outdid yourselves!!!!!!!!!!

As if hearing the excitement from Lackland AFB was not enough, looking at the precious pictures of all of the people and balloons being sent for my Brock, was just amazing. Although I miss my sweet boy so much, knowing the impact he has made on mine and so many others lives, I know I am and will always be blessed times four.


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  2. ohhhh.... as I wipe away the tears this makes me sad and happy!! I am sooo sooo sorry Brock had to go to heaven at such a young age, I am sooo sorry that his brothers will not get to play with him and grow with him but I KNOW that his wonderful parents will make sure they KNOW him!! It makes me sad to hear the painful times you both are going through but at the same time there is some relief knowing you are at a point of letting your emotions be there, you need to grieve, you need it to grow and go forward... never ever will you forget but you will move forward... remember all the good times you had with him and know he is no longer in pain. I know without a doubt that he loves yall and his brothers and is looking down on yall everyday! There are sooooo many of us that love him (and yall) and think of you all often!! When Cynthia suggested we send balloons to Brock everyone wanted to join... We want yall to know he is not, and will not be, forgotten!!! We love yall and can't wait to see you in a few weeks!!!