We were told from the beginning how the NICU was going to take us for a roller coaster; we did not get just what this meant until our journey began. I no longer live day by day or hour by hour; but rather second to second. it never dawned on me just how fast things can change; and this not just for a baby but for four babies. As hard as the pregnancy was and as relieved I was to have my four boys; having them be in the hospital and not being able to make things better for them kills me. I find myself getting frustrated over things I am not able to control. I did not expect the recovery from the pregnancy and the surgery to be as difficult and time consuming as it is. I yearn to hold my boys and to have all of my focus on them rather than having my ribs ache; my stomach throb and my back break. I want to drive to come and go as I please and not have to rely on others. I do not want to be a patient of my husbands; I want to be his wife. Just as I find myself falling into this frustration I quickly realize that this is not about me. There are four precious boys who are counting on me to be their strength and to be their nurturer. I is no more; it is they. I do not find strength in myself; I find it in Him. When I thought the trials of pregnancy had done me in; He pulled me through and I know he will be my coach and strength in this fight too.
My favorite time of day is when I walk in the NICU every morning to be greeted by my bundles. They never cease to fail me with their unbelievable cuteness. Call me bias; but they are just too cute!!! Seeing Brock snuggled on his tummy, Camden's face buried in the bed with his but in the air, Keaton sprawled out with his knees bowed and his arms outstretched and Grayson lying peacefully still asleep while being breathed for by the ventilator makes for a great start of the day!!! It's times like these that bring light to even the darker times. This week was also the week of firsts. I was able to kangaroo care with Camden, Keaton and Brock. I was saddened by the fact that I was not able to do so with Grayson and even more upset that I have not gotten to see his face as he is on the ventilator and also under the lights in which he wears a mask that covers his eyes. Today, the last day of week 28...I was able to not only see his eyes but I was also able to pick him up. His bed was being changed so I lifted him through the isolette arm doors while his nurse exchanged his bedding. Jeff had his first pee diaper change at the beginning of the week with Keaton and I had my first poo diaper at the end of the week with Keaton. I am sure in due time I will have changed all of their diapers more than I ever would have wanted!!!!! Keaton was the man of the week with firsts as I also saw him smile for the first time!!!! All of this makes my world go round!
It is times like the ones above that get me through the times like these. Grayson is still on the ventilator and will be until his ductus is closed and his lungs are cleared of fluid. He as well as the other boys had an echo on Thursday that would decide if the indocin was enough to close it or if surgery the following day was necessary. We were almost guaranteed surgery would be needed; but so far it is NOT! His ductus is almost closed so they are giving him another dose of the indocin and them reevaluating on Monday. I was shocked to find out that two of the other boys (Keaton and Camden) also had an open ductus that needs to be addressed. They were started on indocin on Thursday and I have not heard any updates as to how long or when reevaluation would take place. They also found a hole in Camden's heart that we were told was small and the doctors feel confident that it would close on its own. Our smallest little guy Brock; is so far so good...no issues! It is hard to put the entire week for the quads in one paragraph as the day to day, minute to minute changes are never ending. Well; to show just how fast things change...they redid Brock's echo ad now has discovers that his ductus is also open and he is now on his first round of indocin to close it. Another day in the life of the NICU.
A close on another week means an opening to another...a fresh start. I don''t know what we will face this week; but I do know no matter what comes our way we are not alone and the Evans' family is blessed!
|My first time holding Keaton|
|Dad's first diaper change|
|Dad's first time holding Keaton|
|My first diaper change and a poo one at that|
|Mamma and Brock|
|My first time holding (well, lifting) Grayson|