Thursday, June 23, 2011

Week 29

Father's Day....Last week was a week of firsts; but this week was the first holiday we spent as a family and the first Father's Day for Jeff. I wanted to do something special for Jeff from the boys and decided to give him a diaper full of his favorite candies from each baby. After a long day of golf, the night was complete when we went to visit the boys and were both able to hold a baby. I kangarood with Brock while Jeff and Keaton had father son time. There is no better sight then to see the man I love hold and nurture my sons.

Having my mom here for the delivery of the babies, the beginning of my recovery, and the first couple of weeks of the boys lives made things better. When the pain was intolerable, when I received news about the boys that I was not wanting to hear, when I needed to break down and cry; mom was there. Father's Day was bitter sweet when I had to say goodbye to my mom; my rock. Just as my mom has a way to comfort and make things better; I must now do the same. I am now a mom; I have to be there for my boys just as my mom is there for me. I am blessed to have a mom who raised me with love and intend on doing the same with my four.

Every week is a new week; every day is a new day. The week started out fairly well....until. The weekend staff decided to repeat Brock's echo and found that he too had an open duct. They stopped his feedings and began the rounds of indocin. Grayson was holding stable and we were anticipating Monday to see what his echo results were. After listening to him, the doctors said that the duct was closed. Like every day, I started my week by my new routine: eat breakfast, pump, straighten the house, get dressed, go to the hospital, pump, and see the boys. I spend the morning and into the afternoon with the boys: holding them, being a picture fanatic, listening to the doctors, and thanking God for my little angels. As I spent the day, no new news was reported to me. When Jeff and I returned after shift change we had to idea what was coming our way. The doctor said that Grayson' s duct was open and continuing to be problematic with his lungs and breathing and overall health. He informed us that he spoke to the surgeon and my little boy would have surgery Tuesday at 2. All I could do was sit ad cry. I was frustrated that I had spent the day with the boys and I was told that everyone was doing well for where they were at. I was frustrated that we were told it was closed when it was open. Most of all I was scared. However; when it comes down to it, I want Grayson to be healthy and breathing on his own. I want to see his face without a ventilator. I want to hold my son that I have barely touched.

The night was long as I anticipated the surgery. What little sleep Jeff and I were able to get, was interrupted with a phone call at four in the morning. When the phone rang, my heart dropped. We were told that the doctors had to preform CPR o Grayson because his tube got dislodged. This was anything but the way I wanted the day to begin. After getting ready we headed to the hospital where we watched the nurses prepare Grayson all morning long to go to surgery. Two came and went and when the surgeon finally showed up she said it was too late to do the surgery and that it would have to be done the following day. Once again, not the words I wanted to hear. We couldn't help but to reach our frustration point. This is our little boy who is only getting sicker and more dependent being on the ventilator; not to mention the emotions and anticipation i had all day. Regardless; there was nothing I could do but pray and wait.

The night drug on like the previous, and in the morning I could not get to the hospital fast enough. I sat there and allowed time to pass by holding the other boys. The two o clock surgery turned into a three o clock surgery but nevertheless; the time came. Words can not describe the helpless feeling I had as they wheeled little Grayson away to the operating room. Two and a half hours seemed like an eternity. I was relieved to hear that the surgery went well overall and I had my little boy back in his safe haven. We were warned that he would get sicker before getting better; and he did. He ended up on the oscillating ventilator and it took the entire night for him to become comfortable and stable. I am grateful the surgery did the trick; and am ready for the day where Grayson is off the ventilator and I can hold my son.

Mamma and Keaton

Keaton watching mamma

Camden getting comfy after kangaroo care
If I have learned one thing this week it is a mother's love. My boys mean the world to me and I would do anything to make things better for them; but I can not. Even though I have no control over them; He does. When I think I have reached my bottom; He pulls me up.

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